Who will cry when you die?

I've often asked myself this question. No, it's not the sign of impending old age - this is a question that has been popping back and forth between my conscious and subconcious minds since I was a teen. While the title is shamelessly plagiarised from a Robin Sharma book, the question is entirely original.

Ok, let's look at the possibilities. One might say, of course, your family will cry. You wish. Yes, they will make sure all formalities are done, they will probably be generous enough to call all the estranged and obnoxious relations to your funeral/shraddh/rememberance ceremony, irrespective of your hatred for them. But soon that ceremony will become a social occasion with discussions about/with people you haven't seen for a long time, scandals in the family, the menu and the appropriateness or otherwise of the clothes people are wearing. Heck, I've seen people ending up jiving at the rememberance get-together for a 20-year-old!

This is not to belittle the love your family has for you. One or two people, the ones closest to you will miss you, yes. But the way we are going about our lives, running from pillar to post to make a living, chances are that those 'close' people like wives, husbands, children would be estranged and disconnected by the time you die. It would just be an extension of the disconnect that you had created - it will slowly change to a dull pain and then to a vague rememberance.

Let's look at other aspects of life. The office? One minute's silence, during which numerous mobile phones will ring to the tune of all the Bollywood songs you detested. Fidgeting people will look at their watches, wondering when this torture would end. A few murmured sympathies in the pantry, a visit to your family by the boss and that's it. Your exit interview is over.

On a more serious note, I do feel that there is lack of purpose in our lives. What is it that we were born to do, that unique thing which I can brand as 'me' and which no one will ever forget, even if they forget my name, how I looked and when I lived. We get so involved in our petty problems - deadlines, clients, bosses, houses, cars...you name it. Yet, it's so inconsequential if you put it in perspective of the larger world. I feel petty and insignificant when I see this perspective. At least, for me, my other profession, dance will help me leave some legacy, in terms of students, dance productions and hopefully, a few admirers. But even I can't pursue what I really believe I was born to do - i.e. dance, because I want a safe and secure life, for which I have to do a high pressure job. Is it worth it? Probably not.

However, I don't have the courage to quit and follow my dreams. Maybe I will psyche myself into it some day, but I can't see that day clearly before me. Paulo Coelho said in The Alchemist 'When you want something badly, the universe conspires to help you achieve it', and I have seen it happen in my life. Still...